This is really fucking hard to write.

I’ve started and stopped so many times I’ve lost count. It’s time to stop thinking about it and let out the words that have been taking up space in my head for too long.

Every family has it’s quirks but mine has it’s own special kind of crazy.

When I was a kid my mum used to joke about how much therapy I was going to need because of her.

She doesn’t know that she was right.

 

I have trust issues.

I have honesty issues.

I have control issues.

Most of my issues stem from being completely manipulated and used by the person I should have been able to trust the most.

My Mother. 

I have spent a lot of years hurting, feeling angry, confused, helpless, lost, betrayed.

Blaming myself, wondering what I had done wrong.

And finally, at almost 32 years old, I have the answer.

I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t deserve to be manipulated, used, decieved and discarded depending on her mood. I was a kid, none of it was my fault.

 

So right here, right now, I’m letting it go.

I choose not to allow the damage she has caused to linger in my life for a single moment longer.

 

For so long I wished for a proper mother. Someone to care, to lean on, to share special moments with, someone who’s always on your side. Someone you can trust. 

I’ve finally realised that I’ve been missing something that I never actually had.

I choose to concentrate my time and thoughts with the little family Kane and I have built for ourselves.

Finally.

After 32 years.

I choose to be free.

Everything that matters to me. Right here.

Everything that matters to me. Right here.

Till next time lovelies,

{This is} Beck xoxo

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One thought on “The post I almost didn’t write.

  • February 13, 2014 at 5:40 pm
    Permalink

    Good on you for letting go, It can be so tempting to hold on to the bad feelings and to wallow in them. It takes a special kind of strength to let go.

    Reply

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